Member-only story
What is Really Behind our Confusion of Who Pays for a Date
I think we all have a good sense of what it means to look for validation. When we feel that we have done something well or have tried our best, we would like other people to appreciate our efforts. When we are in a work setting or even with family, we seem to be a little better at moderating our expectations and disappointment when we don’t get the validation we expected. However, something seems to happen when this dynamic ensues over the first few dates causing people to erroneously think others are complete jerks when, in reality, the expectations of the dates were not clear from the start.
Who Pays for a Date
Nothing is causing more stress and anxiety than the discussion of who pays for a date. Something that seems so innocuous has always been part of a secret code aimed at figuring out some aspect of a person’s personality. We take the other person’s behavior incredibly personally and we expect to be validated for doing the socially appropriate thing by picking up the check. Our emotional reaction to this question is very much out of balance with the actual behavioral transaction — but why?
Many of my male clients bring up the “who pays” question a lot. My general rule (and the one my grandfather taught me) was “who asks, pays.” It has only been recently that men have starting…
