Why All the Single Ladies Should Respect their Male Counterparts
I do consider myself a feminist. I graduated from a super progressive college, was raised by all the women in my family to have a career, and supported in having my own money. My grandmother always pulled me aside and made me promise her that my only source of income would not come from being a married woman. When I was 23, I walked away from a very healthy 5 ½ year relationship with a man who wanted to marry me and start a family. I wasn’t ready and chose to pursue graduated school instead.
Every day I am thankful for being raised and being a citizen of a country that has given me the right to choose my personal life. Not every woman in the world has this right and it is something I am utterly grateful for. I am truly happy with where I am in my life and know that my path would not have been possible had it not been for these courageous women sharing their life stories with me and for living in a country where this choice is possible.
I, however, never attributed the change in our country’s culture due to a lack of qualities in the men my age or younger. My mother and her generation fought for me to have the right to choose marriage as an option or to choose to be single. They did not teach me to hate men or to believe that my choice was only possible because the quality of men has decreased over the years. They fought for my education and that education gave me the knowledge to make my own life choices. I grew up in a family of alpha males — there was no shortage of strong men in my life. There advice was strictly given in the guise of wanting me to have more choice than they ever did.
It has been about a year since Rebecca Traister’s book, All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation was published. It was touted as an excellent review of the rise of the single woman in the United States and a statement about her political power. I enjoyed the book but was disheartened by the chapter related to personal relationships — both dating and friendships. Despite our progress, some women continue to be unhappy with their dating prospects. Rather than celebrate our progress, many millennial women complain and bemoan the lack of quality men as the reason why they are choosing to stay single. They abdicate dating to work on their careers rather than also working on other skills that may help them build new relationships with everyone. One example of such rhetoric is the article published on Bolde.com that states that women are choosing to not get married because of a lack of marriageable men and that men are threatened by strong women. I work with phenomenal men and can tell you that this is simply not the truth.
What is deeply concerning is not necessarily the facts of the article, but its tone. The article simply attempts to diminish men in the same way that we have been fighting for them to stop doing to us — and it’s depressing.
As a professional, all I can say is that there is no shortage of great, relationship minded men — especially in cities like New York or San Francisco. Great men are everywhere. They are the ones that are motivated to provide for their families, emotionally support their wives, actively raise their children and still make time for a bromosexual relationship. Some are ready for a real relationship and others usually communicate that they are not. All kinds of relationships seem to matter more to men now than they ever have.
Yet, many women remain deeply unhappy and blame their single status on the fact that women are more educated, make more money and are seemingly “too good” for the men in their given location.
With today’s generation, this is nonsense and the lack of curiosity about what makes men tick is disheartening.
As a feminist, I have always thought it was most important to collaborate with people who shared similar values and were open to discuss differences. Being a feminist means that I believe that men and women have the right to have equal decision making skills and to be treated as equals. It does not mean that I think women are better than men. It does not mean I hate men. On the contrary, I have become more and more impressed with the quality of the millennial men I have had the pleasure of working with over the last ten years. While women are on the path to become “bad ass,” these men have taken their mother’s stories to heart and sought to choose a different path toward becoming a man in an era that tells them masculinity is a bad. They are yelled at by women for opening a door for them and equally yelled at when they are not. Rather than simply communicate individual preferences, many women seem to think that all men are stupid and not “man enough.” I can hardly fathom what it is like to be a young man in a culture that now has such a convoluted definition of what it means to be a man in today’s culture.
Now, more than ever, all any of us wants is a real, authentic relationship. Perhaps it is time that we learn to respect each other, respect our biological differences, and celebrate our shared values. Perhaps we will all be a touch less angry and a touch happier with our lives.
In closing, a woman’s right to choose her life and to live with this freedom is the right that generations of women fought for. It does not give women, especially young women, the right to demonize, belittle, or discredit men. If women truly want to live in their power, they will realize that there are a ton of men ready to collaborate with their desires, help raise their children (or support the decision to not have children), and support them being a boss lady. Women can advocate for their views without anger and complaints. Learning to respect these men as much as they respect independent women is an important next step. If we continue to stereotype all men and put them in the sleazy pick up artist category or in the outdated old alpha male category we miss out on the opportunity to build relationships and connect with like-minded people.
We also miss out on the one thing that could catapult our career and other life success — A real relationship.
#RelationshipsMatterMost because they are at the foundation of our happiness as humans. Thinking we can do without all male relationships as a defense against our frustration only guarantees that we will not meet a potential partner who has the capacity to catapult our life for the best. If we want to lean in — we need to lean in to the fact that as women we have grown and changed but so have many young men. It may be time for a more authentic conversation with each other rather than resorting to putting each other down. There is always a time and place for advocacy but we also need to be willing to actually talk with each other once we get to the table.
Dr. Jennifer Rhodes is a licensed psychologist, relationship expert, and the founder of the bi-costal relationship consultancy, Rapport Relationships. Dr. Rhodes is a frequent media contributor on topics related to dating & relationships and is the author of a forthcoming book on dating strategy for millennial women.
