One’s a nxiety instead of the belief that the children already instinctively know what is going on is can be just as damaging. This side of the research people do not like to discuss. For example, kids under 5 only develop PTSD if their parents have PTSD symptoms after a trauma. You can only do what you can under the circumstances and learning to take care of yourself is a huge benefit to your children and a protective factor against the trauma. Your belief that your kids can still thrive is what matters — because most of them eventually do and are speaking their truth now as the first and second wave of high conflict divorce survivors. The healing process for them will not be easy but it can and will be done — especially if efforts are made to treat the anxiety that stems from being around these toxic people. Many of the children I worked with have found strength in other adults, their friends and eventually moved away for college to start their healing journey. They ofte make good decisions in their own marriages as adults and view therapy positively. They have often told me they can figure out how to deal with the other parent but worry about the anxious one. When they worry more about them more than themselves, they will not thrive in the way we want them to. Parents need to step into their power — it is inevitably what protects them from developing PTSD.

It’s also not about being nice. It’s about choosing a different perception and believing in the strength of the children. That’s called emotional resilience and it’s one hell of a life lesson to pay forward.